If you’ve noticed, I haven’t blogged since August 10th.  On August 11th I was working in the library at my school when I got a phone call from my mother.  I knew instantly what she was going to tell me.  My mother doesn’t call me during the day, mostly because she’s working.  But this was important, expected, and yet it was still sudden.  She called to tell me my grandmother had passed away.

It is amazing that when you hear news like that your first thought is almost always selfish.  Mine was.  I thought, “Who will be my escort when I get married in the temple?”  From the time I was a teenager, I had planned for my grandmother to be the one to fluff my veil and zip the zipper on my dress on my wedding day.  But now who would I choose?  Thankfully after many years of practice in self control and not saying the first thing I think, my first words were, “I’m so sorry Mom.”

I don’t think I will be able to not go into that library again and not think of that moment.

I believe we all have anchor’s in our lives.  People that hold us to the ground and keep us from floating off into the wild sea and getting lost.  Hopefully we can be our own anchors in our own lives.  But in units or groups there are always people who are our anchors.  Is it mom or dad?  Is it your boss or a team member?  Who is it among your friends?

My grandmother was the anchor for the Nye family.  You could tell by the way the living room was set up.  Her chair sat in the middle of the room.  The exact middle between the kitchen and living room, right on the edge of the tile.  From the  window to the door or from wall to wall, there she was.  We would gather around her as a family.  I remember as a child kneeling on the carpet and listening to her talk.  She loved being a part of every conversation.  And we adored her.

I loved the way she spoke.  The way she smelled.  Her red lipstick and pink cheeks.  Her curled hair.  I loved how particular she was about her clothes.  I love that every time I went to visit she would always say at least a few times, “Oh this house is so dusty!  I need to dust, but the wind.  Oh!”

When she was sick and in the hospital this summer, she was still the center of the universe.  She died in that front room.  Her bed was moved there, so that she could, until that last day, be the center and see everything that was going on.

At her funeral, two different speakers quoted the scripture – “Behold a virtuous woman, whose price is far above rubies.”  What an honor that those around her could see the wealth she had in her soul.  She lived a hard and fulfilled life.  This last week, I have been scanning in old family photographs.  By doing so, I watched my grandmother and grandfather’s life unfold.  You could say that they live a quiet life in southern Idaho in a town of no consequence.  They didn’t influence nations.  They were never rich.  But they were happy.

My grandmother died on August 11, 2010 around 8:30 am.  She took a last breath and with her eyes closed she left this world.  And I believe she died happy.

The last time I saw my grandmother was about a month ago, in the hospital.  One of the last things she said to me was, “I just can’t take it anymore.  I just think it is time for me to go.”  I reprimanded her and said, “I’m coming back in a month to see you, not to come to your funeral.”  I guess she was trying to warn me.  And I didn’t listen.  I didn’t hear what she was saying to me because who wants to hear news like that.

I feel like an anchor in my life has been dropped, a link in the chain breaking after many long years of strain, and for a moment I was floating off into the sea.  I think that is one reason why death is so hard.  We have to adust the sails and set new courses.  We have to drop new anchors in this vast ocean we are in.  Because if we don’t, when the next storm comes, we’ll drown in the sadness of it all.

And I intend to swim as hard as I can.

1. You have to peel off your underwear in order to go to the bathroom.
2. You no longer care what you smell like because the person next to you in an open air trolley smells much worse.
3. You suddenly feel a tickle and realize it is sweat dripping.
4. Your sweating so much that you worry about getting a cold when a stiff breeze gives you the chills.
5. After being outside for 10 minutes your mascara is touching your mouth – wipe, wipe.
6. All the time you spent straightening your hair in the morning was fruitless because it is now curly. (Not cute curly mind you – curled in every direction type of curly.)
7. You spill water on yourself and don’t notice because you already feel wet.
8. You wish you had packed your travel baby powder. (If you don’t understand this, then you don’t have the same problem I do, and you probably aren’t a fatty like I am.)

At least this is how I know it is humid outside.  Just sayin, is all.

I can’t seem to keep the way my website looks the same for too long of a period of time.

If you are reading this post through a feeder/reader, then you won’t understand. But, if you are actually reading this post on my website, then you’ll notice some big, I mean massive, changes to my website.

I was getting frustrated with some changes that happened with an updated version of my theme (does that make any sense?) and decided to try a new theme/layout design.

A friend of mine and my mother commented that when you went to my old site, it was confusing as to which post was the newest post. And they were totally right. I wanted my scrolling picture box so badly that it just wasn’t making sense. I was going for looks over function.

So, here I am with a new theme/design. I’m still tweaking – a lot. So, every time you come to my site, it will probably be different, which kinda makes me excited! I can now change my header to what I want and do it easily. I can add background pictures easily. But I can’t seem to get my little thumbnail pictures to come up and I still want a scrolling media box at the top. So, I’m searching the help forums and learning all about .css and custom style sheets and hooks and codes.

The problem – I leave for Boston in 2 days, so if I can’t fix everything then it will just have to wait until I get back. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to accept that imperfection.

Anyways – if you really like something or absolutely hate something while you are reading my blog over the next couple of weeks please let me know and I can try to change it. Y’all see it through a completely different set of eyes and I want your opinions. Now, back to adjusting and tweaking.

I spent some time last week in southern Idaho with my grandparents.  My grandmother just had surgery – she broke her femur – and was in recovery.  My grandparents are quite old.  My grandpa is going to be 96 this year and my grandmother is 82.

Let me tell you some of my favorite things about them.

• My Grandmother is from Belgium.
• They met while my grandfather was serving a mission.
• My grandfather wanted to serve a mission and so he saved up his money and waited for WWII to be over before he could go – now that is perseverance.
• My grandmother came to the US not speaking any English and she didn’t learn English for about 7 years.
• My grandmother became a nurse.  Now that may not seem odd, but for a women with children, whose 2nd language is English to go to school later in life in order to have a career – that is amazing.  Props.
• My grandma always slept on a love seat when I was growing up because she worked the swing shift at the hospital.  And she always had a little silk pillow so that she didn’t mess up her hair (she gets it done every week).
• When my grandmother gets mad she sticks out her tongue at you.
• My grandfather has lost most of his hearing, but when you laugh he laughs.  It is so cute!
• My grandma calls my grandpa Papee and he giggles almost every time she does it.
• My grandparents don’t gossip and when they describe people they say things like, “He’s a hard worker” or “She loves her kids.”  It is a good reminder to me of making sure good things come out of my mouth.  And when someone wants to get my grandparents to gossip they respond with, “Well, I don’t know about that,” pretending that they don’t know what you are talking about and so they won’t say anything.
• When my grandparents were called on a foreign mission they accepted and went.  They never said that they wanted to go foreign and at the time my grandpa was 80 years old.
• Like many older people, my grandparents barely eat, but when you are eating with them they always try to get you to eat more and more and you can’t say no and so you always leave with a very full tummy.
• My grandmother always dresses up to go out to town – even if it is just to the Walmart.
• They have old wrinkled hands that have seen a lot of hard work.

They have lived extraordinary lives.  My grandfather remembers taking a horse and buggy places, the great depression, and both World Wars.  My grandmother lived through the Nazi invasion and occupation of her home, immigrating to a new country, and raising a family.  They are amazing examples to me and I’m so grateful for every moment I get to spend time with them.

While in Oregon, my parents and I attended a Sheep Herding Competition.  It was surprisingly fun and I feel like I learned a lot.  But it isn’t as simple as it looks in the movie Babe – let me tell you.

Here is the course that the trainer has to navigate the dog through.

The trainer has to stand at a pole while the dog does the “out run” all the way at the end of the field and gets the sheep.  Since the dog is so far away, the trainer uses a whistle to tell the dog where to go and what to do.  But hopefully, the dog can do this part all on its own.

Then they herd the sheep back to the trainer, through a set of fences, around the trainer, through gate 1 and gate 2.  Then the trainer is finally able to leave the pole and go to the “shed ring.”  It is here that they try to get two sheep away from the others, preferably the two who are wearing colored neck scarves.  Then they get all five into the pen, shut the gate, and if there is time left they go back to the shed ring and get one sheep away from the others.  That is hard because sheep don’t like to be alone.   They enjoy the company of their companions.

Oh, and did I mention that they have to do all of this in 13 minutes. Each section is worth points, so you want to finish the course, but you also need to do it without losing points.  The fewer calls you make with your dog the better.

Here are some pics.  I only had my iPhone, so they aren’t the best.

Going around the pole.

Trying to get the sheep into the pen.

If the dog bites at the sheep they are disqualified. It happens – it happened 2x in the 3 hours we were there.

I was really impressed and it made me want a border collie and train them. All the trainers had their dogs just trailing after them as they walked all around. They were really well behaved dogs.

What I wish I had gotten a picture of was that the dogs who weren’t competing at the moment would line up at the fence and watch what was going on. You could tell that they were thinking about what they would do if they were out there. It was adorable.

If you get a chance to see a competition – go. It is quite an experience. To read more about the rules click here – this website has a lot of great information.

Last night I didn’t sleep.  No really.  I never fell asleep.  Finally around 4:30 I got up and started writing.  As I was writing, I noticed the sun coming up and my room getting lighter and lighter.  I thought I would go and watch the sun rise, while I wrote outside.  I wrote a whole series of haiku’s, which I will post on my haiku blog this week.  Here is the haiku that I am going to post for today.

Sunrise

Slowly the sun
grasps the mountain cliffs and peaks
over the valley.

(I like the double use of the word peaks – but I’m a word geek.)

Then I decided to take some photos.

This is the view at 5:30 am

Here is the view at 6:00 am

I like 5:30 am much, much better.  But I don’t plan on see that very often in my lifetime.

Let me start by saying that I do NOT like scary movies.  I had nightmares for weeks when I saw the Sixth Sense – and that isn’t really that scary.  I blame it all on my overactive imagination.  That said ….

My roommate has been gone for almost two weeks.  She has been basking in the sun in Phoenix, Arizona.  I on the other hand have been basking in the glow of a makeshift nightlight I jimmy-rigged from my scented candle warmer.  I haven’t fallen asleep before 3 am in 13 nights.  Sunday, I fell asleep at 6 am.  Seriously.  I watched my room get lighter and lighter and only then was I able to fall asleep.  I have taken NyQuil like 5 times in the last two weeks.  I won’t let myself take anymore in case I become an alcoholic (not that you really can become an alcoholic from NyQuil, but you can never be too careful).

The problem – nightmares.  I won’t tell you the graphic details – and believe me they are graphic.  They are the type that are all in black, white, gray, and red – blood red.  But I will tell you that they all involve someone breaking into the house and, well, I can’t tell you because it would be too graphic.

Let me just say that my neighbors are noisy.  I never really noticed before, but now I hear every little sound in the house and analyze it for hints that someone is breaking in, so I have really noticed every little noise they make.  I know there are only two of them, but I think they shower way too much.  And, they talk loud sometimes.  And they slam all their drawers and cabinets.  Seriously, I screamed once because it was so loud that I thought they were in my kitchen.

Anyways, this lack of sleep is seriously imparing my eyesight.  I actually started wearing my glasses.  Also, I feel like I’ve had a migraine for a week.  No amount of medicine is making it go away.

So, let’s just say that I am seriously reconsidering living by myself – ever.  Is that bad?  I mean, I’m not quite 30 – yet.  This might be the strongest impetus for me to get married – other than sex, of course.

I know, I know.  It seems a little snooty of me to not attend bridal showers and wedding receptions.  I’m sure that most people probably look at it as the bitter, single gal not supporting her friends and what not.  Or that I’m probably jealous.  But that really isn’t the case.  And I should probably say that I do attend bridal showers and wedding receptions – just not many.

Here is the deal.  For years, I attended every blooming thing I was invited to.  I even threw a few bridal showers myself.  As I look back, I am currently still friends with 3 of those lovely ladies.  Three.  That is all.   And I know that I have attended close to 100 – wait and I’ll count it up in my head . . . okay, I exaggerated, only 78.  But between my friends from high school, roommates, all the girls in the singles ward in Washington (because I was the RS Pres and “had” to attend or risk offending), and girls I know now – that is a lot of people.  A lot of people that I no longer talk to.

I stopped the madness about 2 years ago.  I made a conscious decision to not attend if I didn’t feel obligated to.  Usually these feelings of obligation are due to the fact that I often represent the Morris family in the state of Utah and so I attend.  Or if it is a good friend.  But that isn’t really an obligation – I like attending those functions.  Or if I feel obligated to the person throwing the bridal shower or the parent of the bride/groom.

And you know what – I have LOVED not attending all these events.  Because, in reality, they aren’t so much of a celebration as much as they are a way for me to say goodbye to our friendship – and I don’t want to do that.  Because the truth of the matter is that once someone marries their life changes.  Their inner circle changes.  Their focus changes.  And it rightfully should.  I certainly don’t expect my married friends to hang out with me as much anymore – they now have husbands and a whole other set of family that they have to fit into their busy schedule.  I don’t get upset about it.  Not at all.  But it is very sad to me.  And I hate it.  I hate not seeing them or talking to them as much.

Recently, I was talking to one of my oldest friends about all my job/moving/Casper drama and halfway through her baby started screaming because he fell and was hurt.  She needed to get off the phone ASAP.  And I don’t begrudge her that, but I miss being able to talk to her about all that stuff.

I was once told by someone, who I thought was a good friend, that it made her uncomfortable to be around me since I wasn’t married.  You see, we were friends in high school and I believe I am officially the last one of the group to still be unmarried.  I guess a single female in a room full of married people is uncomfortable.  And it was hurtful and I haven’t seen any of them since.  Our lives changed and we walked down different paths.

I see the path dividing in the wood every time I go to a wedding reception.  So, I stopped going.  I know that some people are hurt by me not attending and I’m sorry for that.  But in reality, in 6 months I bet you don’t remember whether or not I was there or really who was at your wedding reception because you are on your path looking ahead of you and not behind.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot because this last month I attended a bridal shower and will attend a wedding, not because of the bride/groom, but because of their parents.

So, if I ever get married, don’t be surprised if I don’t have a reception.  But if I do, I won’t be upset if you don’t come to it.  I’ll understand because I don’t want to really say goodbye either.

Yesterday, I drove home from Casper, Wyoming, where I had done a teaching interview at a middle school there.  The interview went well.  I could tell they were impressed by my experience and knowledge when it came to teaching reading.  They had a few concerns about my endorsements, certification and licensing in the state of Wyoming, and my lack of experience with clubs and sports.  Since I work at a small school, there are limited opportunities to do clubs or sports, especially since our students usually can’t stay after school to even do makeup work.

Even though I felt good about the interview, as I drove home I just had a feeling that I wouldn’t get the job.  Who knows if that feeling is me or if it is the Lord preparing me for a “no” on this particular occasion – I don’t know.  What I do know is that I’m not feeling too upset about the whole thing.  Am I sad, yes.  Am I disappointed, yes.  But not really upset.  I haven’t cried about it and if you know me at all, then you know that I cry sometimes when I get upset.  The crazy thing is that I felt really, really good about the idea of moving to Casper.  Really good – like crazy good.

So, as I was driving home and thinking about all this, this scene is what I looked out on for about an hour.

Today, as I was editing the photo, I thought that life is like this sometimes.  You could, if you wanted to, focus on the dark edges, the moody blue color of the sky, the impending storm and clouds or you could focus on the beauty staring at you in the face.  The bright spot of light on the horizon promising sunshine and warmth.

I think my experience in Casper is much like this photograph.  I can’t help but look at it and feel a sense of peace.  Peace at what is ahead of me – no matter what it is.  I believe that all things happen or don’t happen for a reason.  I have done my part and now I leave it in the hands of other people and in the hands of the Lord.

What I also can’t help but wonder and think about is that I still want a change.  I still want to do something different.  I suppose that no matter what happens, I have this summer to figure it all out.

This last weekend I went to a bridal shower – it was kitchen themed.  Now, I don’t know what to do with that? I hate buying gifts!  I hate looking for gifts.  I hate even thinking about buying or looking for gifts.

Because of this retarded nature of myself, in the last few years the only gifts I have bought for people have come from three sources:

1. They told me exactly what to buy.
2. It was on a gift registry.
3. I gave them a gift card.

(By the way, wouldn’t it be cool if we all just had wish lists at our favorite stores that anyone could access and buy us gift from.  It would no longer be reserved to those getting married or having babies.)

So, for this bridal shower, I decided to go the gift card route.  But one of the coolest things is that at my local Smiths they have like a bazillion gift cards.  Don’t believe me?  Look!

That Barnes and Noble card looks nice.

Ooooh! I love clothes!

Good old Visa Cards to “Use Anywhere!”

Oh yes! Food! But there is still more!

Media – who doesn’t love a good electronics store?

In all, Smiths had 2 displays and 9 full sections of gift cards. Here are some of my favorites!

(These were taken by my  iPhone. And I tried to be a little sneaky about it. The cashiers kept giving me funny looks like I was trying to steal the cards or take pictures of the numbers or something. I mean really? I know it isn’t activated until you pay for it. Seriously people! Some of use have blogs and try to share all these little funny things with the world.)

Anyone want to build a bear?

Now, I’m not pregnant and unless a miraculous conception happens, I won’t be any time soon. But I’ll have to remember this when my next friend does get pregnant. It should happen any month now. It seems like they are all married and having babies while I’m buying KitchenAid’s and plane tickets.

This is a little blurry – I got a little excited. You see, fat girls like me like the fat girls’ clothing store. I was flustered and too embarrassed to take another picture because fat girls like me don’t want everyone in the world knowing they shop at the fat girl store.

Good old Target! How can you pass up that dog? This is by the way, the one I got. She was registered there.

Who wants to go to Disneyland? I do! I do! (arms waving frantically in the air)

Or how about Universal Studios! Pick me! Pick me!

Or a day at the Spa? Anyone? Anyone? Sigh! I can feel the massage, even now.

Want to go to a concert? Okay, sure, why not?

They even had “gift packs” of cards in smaller amounts. Can you imagine just handing a few of these babies out? I think it would make anyone’s day.

And last, but not least -

Ahhh Heaven! Just looking at those happy people and the bright colors makes me want to go download something.

So, ummm, if you get a gift from me anytime soon, expect a gift card. It may not be the most personal gift, but hey – at least you can get what you want.

For example, my good friend’s birthday was in February. It is now 4 months later and I still never have gotten her a gift. I wanted to buy her something thoughtful and special and so “Melissa.” Well, I think I’ve finally given up on that. So, a gift card it is. But her gift card is something entirely different. I’m actually excited and a bit nervous. I hope she likes it.