Worst Date Ever!

So, my brother joined the military and in an attempt to entertain him I wrote him the following letter about a bad date I went on. Warning, this post is long, but entertaining. Enjoy and be happy you didn’t go on this date.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Dear Brandon,

Last night I went to a camp that we take our students to in order to teach them leadership and trust. Well, after the kids were supposed to be sleeping, the staff was in the staff cabin telling stories. I was asked to tell my worst dating experience. It is actually a really funny experience and they just laughed and laughed. So I thought I would retell it to you and maybe it would make you laugh. Feel free to share with the other boys. It can be a “what not to do” on a date.

First, let me tell you how we got set up. I went to visit Grandma and Grandpa over Mother’s day. I went to church with Grandpa and Grandma stayed home. She really hasn’t been doing very well. So, her visiting teacher, Rebecca Blake, came up to me and asked me to take home some stuff to Grandma. She instantly liked me and asked if I would consider dating an older man. Now, lets be honest here. I’m not getting any younger and so I said sure. She then called later that day and got my phone number to give to her son Chris. Now, Chris is a 39 year old divorcee. I wasn’t too worried. A few weeks later he called and we talked for about an hour and it was nice. He was easy to talk to and there wasn’t really a lull in the conversation. Then a few weeks later we went out. (Insert “Da, Da, Daahhhh!!!” music here)

He picked me up and to be honest, my first impression was, well, not impressed. He wasn’t bad looking, just ordinary. He looked a little bit like he might have the same stylist as Bill Gates. So, he doesn’t have a plan for the night. He asks me what restaurants are around and so I list off about four or so in Draper by the freeway: Applebees, Cafe Rio, Wingers, and El Rancho Grande. He says, well lets just drive and see. So we get in his car and oh my, it smelled like that old Borax soap, you know the powder kind that Grandpa used to use in the milking barn. Yuck! I wanted to roll down the window it bothered me so much.

So here we are driving down the road and he doesn’t want to go to any restaurant and he finally decides to go to El Rancho Grande. Now, you know how much I love that restaurant, but it isn’t the “nicest” place in the world. Well, we get in there and he keeps saying over and over, “Wow! This is a really nice place!” It was like he had never been out to eat in his life and was surprised that anyone would cook for him. While eating, we had nothing to say to each other. It was like we said all we had to say to each other on the phone.

Then once we left the restaurant he didn’t have any plans. So I suggested that we go the the Riverton City Arts Festival which was going on in the park. We walked around and around and around. At one point I asked him what he likes to do with his free time. How corny! But I couldn’t think of anything else. He says that he likes to do outdoorsy stuff, but can’t really do a lot in the winter. So I ask him if he likes TV. Yes, he does. Well after I 20 questioned him about his favorite TV show, comedy, drama, etc. I didn’t learn a thing. He didn’t know his favorite show and hadn’t seen any of the shows I mentioned. (I think he must only watch pornography). We listed to a band doing Glenn Miller songs – he didn’t know who Glenn Miller was, but told me that he thought his mother would like the music. (And he is 39, while I am only 27. I mean who doesn’t know who Glenn Miller is?)

Finally after walking around and around the tiny city park and having nothing to say to each other I told him that I needed to go to the bathroom, but would rather go in my house because it was so close. So, now we are back into my apartment and he sits down and settles down for the night. Sigh!

He only got more and more verbal as the night went on. Actually, I wanted him to shut up and go home, but he never did. He told me all about the many 31 and older Singles wards he had been in over the years. Now, there are only three in the whole world and they are all in the Salt Lake Valley. He told me about all the “interesting” (or as I call them – freaky) people he has met in the wards. But it got better. He went on a 30 minute tirade on why no one should get a car loan, why he walks and bikes everywhere, and how much he is putting into his 401k and IRA investments every month (as if that is supposed to impress me – I don’t want to walk everywhere).

Then he went on and on about his ex-wife. Well, actually it went on throughout the night. At first he just mentioned her, mentioned that they had only seen each other a “few” times over the 9 years. I’ll skip all the details and go right to the conclusion. By the end of the night it turned out that he is a stalker. Let me explain. So he was curious about a loan they had, called, got her new name, looked her up, went by her house (walking of coarse because he doesn’t drive), a couple years later (and who knows how many walk-bys) he noticed the car had changed, so he thinks that she must have moved. Somewhere in this time he saw her with her new son. Anyways he runs into her, well actually sees her in downtown Salt Lake several times. He “finds out” that she lives in an apartment building downtown. He goes to the lobby and looks up her name. He also saw her “on a date” on evening “on his way home.” One word – STALKER!!!

Eventually, he yawned, and I jumped on that and said, “Oh, yeah, I’m tired too.” And then I stood up. He finally got the hint. At the door I held onto the door and the door frame so that he couldn’t touch me. He kept talking at the door, but he finally left. My parting words were, “Drive Safe.” I made sure to not say, “I had a good time. or Let’s get together again sometime.”

But the crazy thing is that the next day I had a panic attack. I thought, “Really is this what there is out there for me? Am I going to end up marrying one of these losers?” It was only later that Aunt Carol told me she thought he was weird. Since my only boyfriend Jeff (the one I had when I was 18), I have been on 8 blind dates. One for each yucky year. And each blind date was bad – not one good one.

Luckily he never called me, but I did have an excuse already made up, just in case. I hope you found this incredibly long story entertaining! At least I can laugh about the whole experience, well laugh at the experience.

Love ya!

~Joe Joe

PS – Did the name sound familiar? Yeah, he is the nephew of Richard Blake, who is leasing Grandpa’s land. Hope I didn’t screw anything up with that business arrangement.